"Your playing small does not serve the world." -Marianne Williamson
This quote has always resonated with me. I've always wanted to make a real impact on the world, but I never exactly knew how. And in the past few years, growing in my relationship with Christ, I knew I wanted to live up to my potential in Him. But I've always thought that I was going to figure this out on my own, instead of letting God do it for me. And recently I'm realizing that I really can't do anything by myself.
My story, by most accounts, is a fairly normal one. I grew up in a middle class suburb, went to good schools, was a pretty successful student, and ended up at Duke University in North Carolina. It was during my time there that I realized the concept of effortless perfection. Basically, the expectation to live the perfect life while making it look simple: getting involved in the "right" clubs, joining the best Greek organization, having great friends, changing the world and curing cancer, all while keeping a near perfect GPA and not breaking a sweat.
Looking back, this was the way I lived my life long before I even knew what it meant. I ran around doing what I needed to to craft the perfect "life resume," starting in high school. I was in the magnet program at school, a Varsity cheerleader, a decorated gymnast, and I gave what little free time I had left to community service, everything necessary to get me into a Top 10 University, my biggest goal.
And after I ended up at Duke, it was exacerbated. Now, surrounded by some of the best and the brightest, I had to do more to prove myself. I threw myself into different organizations: cheerleading, my sorority, and community service, which I could boast about on my actual resume in the search of the perfect post-college job. I constantly wore a mask of how I wanted people to see me (confident, likable, intelligent, strong), instead of who I really was, especially when I was struggling. But it felt like it was working for me, especially when I found myself accepted by Teach For America, a two-year teaching program dedicated to closing the achievement gap in low-income areas.
Flash forward, nine months after graduation, and here I am, in South Louisiana, rethinking everything. I'll go into more detail in future posts, but my carefully crafted resume and plan is falling apart around me. I've always been afraid of not having a plan, not knowing what was going on, basically not having to admit that I didn't know what I was doing. And that's exactly where I am now. But I'm realizing that admitting this imperfection is the first step into the master plan God has for me.
This is where this blog comes in. It's becoming easier for me to admit my imperfections to God and myself, but it's time for me to live boldly. I want to share this crazy unplanned journey with anyone who's willing to read, whether it's 2, 20, or 200 people. This blog is about finding who I am while letting God work in my weakness, and sharing His miracles to give Him the glory. I want to boldly declare my failures, in order to let God's works in my life shine through. I can't tell you what's going to happen, but I can tell you that God's up to something good and it's time to stop playing small.
